


Pinch Hit of the Apocalypse

by birbbirbsneksnek



Category: Fail_Fandomanon RPF
Genre: Yuletide, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8837941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birbbirbsneksnek/pseuds/birbbirbsneksnek
Summary: Heather takes a disastrously bad last-minute pinch hit, and lives to not regret it.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [migratoryslashfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/migratoryslashfan/gifts).



Heather:  Are you busy? I really need some help!

Sarah:  What's the matter?

Heather:  The Yuletide mods just figured out there’s something wrong with the gift for ladyfluffypants.

Sarah:  You agreed to write an emergency pinch hit when the collection opens in LESS THAN FIVE HOURS?

Heather:  Morbane was giving me puppy eyes!

Sarah:  Um… aren’t we in the same time zone?

Heather:  Yes.

Sarah:  Then Morbane's on a different CONTINENT!

Heather:  She is? I thought we were all morbane…

Sarah:  So, you gave YOURSELF puppy eyes and agreed to write a pinch hit?

Heather:  I do stupid things when I have low blood sugar.

Sarah:  Then eat something.

Heather:  Everything's closed, and the only food in my apartment is muffins I can't eat.

Sarah:  Did they go bad?

Heather:  No. I'm gluten-intolerant.

Sarah:  You bought muffins you can't eat?

Heather:  Well, the woman who owns the bakery down the street is really hot, and I thought she might be a nonnie because it's called "Cadigan's Baked Goods" and you'll never believe what she was wearing today... Are you still there?

Sarah:  Yeah. What’s the request look like?

Heather:  Sending it now…

* * *

It's my FIRST yuletide, so be nice!

 **Donut Negative Walruses:**  
icky icky sexuals and non-lgbtqa+ characters (headcanons fine!)  
i like diverse characters and unproblematic fic

 **series of unfortunate events**  
\- i really want an mlp xover with this since they're so similar. ;)

 **ballets russes rpf**  
\- how would the hulk do at ballet? he would be so hot in a big green tutu

 **currency rpf**  
\- a xover with hamilton would be nice - how does alex feel being more valuable than jefferson? also harriet tubman domming all the presidents since she's on the new 20.

 **political rpf**  
\- jefferson and madison are trump supporters. burr is a local dem candidate. laurens is a bernie bro. laffayette is a nonbinary activist. ham is an illegal immigrant. mulligan is a political reporter. the skylar sisters are the daughters of republican governor skylar and sneak out to political rallies. in other words, the hamilsquad in us politics.

carl azuz goes to the rnc and discovers just how bad the delegates can be and saves the convention from the orangepocalypse.

stephen colbert and jon stewart go to save the convention and jon must fight "stephen" to stop hillary/trump from being nominated.

 **19th century ce france rpf**  
-lafayette goes back to france to help the amis with their rebellion and accidentally adopts them. i haven't read the book or seen all the musical so don't include characters from there.

 **oglaf**  
\- some1 told me their were vikings in this so i looked at the gen cartoons and i like them but the nsfw ones are really dragging it down so i want a fic where they decide to better themselves by becoming christians and getting clothes.

* * *

Sarah:  Oh. My. God. Donut Negative Walruses?? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Heather:  I don't know. Please help... you’re my best beta and the mods are counting on this!

Sarah:  Okay, but we’re going to work on your resting bitch face after Yuletide. Which one of those fandoms do you want to target?

Heather:  I’m not sure. It’s all so weird, I don’t know what they really want.

Sarah:  Let’s start with the first one. What’s mlp?

Heather:  My Little Pony.

Sarah:  How is that anything like A Series of Unfortunate Events?

Heather:  Do I look psychic?

Sarah:  Have you tried stalking their fics?

Heather:  Well…

Sarah:  How bad is it?

Heather:  They’ve got an MLP fic with surprise incest.

Sarah:  I… didn’t know the ponies were related.

Heather:  I didn’t know they had genitalia.

Sarah:  Sometimes it’s better not to dive into the tags on AO3. What about the next fandom?

Heather:  The Hulk as a Russian ballet dancer? Where’s he gonna get pointe shoes? And is he supposed to hulk out while he’s dancing?

Sarah:  It could be the world premiere of a ballet called _Smash_. Has ladyfluffypants written any ballet fics?

Heather:  No.

Sarah:  There is a God. Next fandom?

Heather:  Currency RPF? C’mon, it’s an obvious attempt to squeeze in more Hamilton fic.

Sarah:  Duh. And you should care because? A pinch hit is a pinch hit.

Heather:  How is that supposed to be hot?

Sarah:  They don’t call it hard currency for nothing.

Heather:  Yeah, right. “Lust in the Denver Mint”. Guaranteed to be Yuletide famous. And you should see their Hamilton fic. Or maybe you shouldn’t.

Sarah:  Not sexy?

Heather:  Not comprehensible. Unless you’re into Federalist porn.

Sarah:  The people?

Heather:  The papers.

Sarah:  Ugh. I’ve got an idea. Sending you a link.

Heather:  Got it! (opens link, music plays to the tune of “Y.M.C.A.”)

Author, if you don't have a plot.  
I said, author, if the porn isn't hot.  
I said, author, you can always give up.  
There's no need to be unhappy.

Author, there's a thing you can do.  
I said, author, there's no need to feel blue,  
You can do it, and I'm sure you will find  
Many ways to have a good time.

Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Write whatever you want, it's the key to success,  
Just avoid their D-N-W-s.

Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
It's within the rules, and it's no big deal,  
You can write whatever you feel…

Author, are you listening to me?  
I said, author, dump their prompts and be free,  
I said, author, you can make real your dreams.  
But you got to know this one thing!

No one's gonna think that you failed.  
I said, no one, 'cause they all would have bailed.  
They'd just do it, yes, they'd O-D-A-O.  
'Cause sometimes it's the way to go.

Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Author, don't default, why miss out on a fic  
Just because your recip is a dick?

Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O.  
It's within the rules, and it's no big deal,  
You can write whatever you feel…

Author, I was once in your shoes.  
Facing deadlines, with no help from a muse.  
Default button looking better each hour.  
Hungry bears just waiting to devour.

That's when someone sent a PM,  
And said, "Let go! Just opt out and fuck them!  
Don't go crazy, just ODAO,  
It's the thing to do when all the prompts blow."  
Just scrap the details and O-D-A-O!

Heather:  WTF? WHERE did you get that?? Never mind; I couldn't possibly ODAO. C’mon, we haven’t even talked about all the fandoms yet. What about the Political RPF one?

Sarah:  Oh, hell no. Putting Trump in there would drive my Hamilton boner straight into the ground. Is nothing safe from the Orange Menace?

Heather:  What about the 19th Century France RPF?

Sarah:  Lafayette helps the amis?

Heather:  Yes.

Sarah:  Wrong revolution.

Heather:  But wasn’t he a pallbearer at LaMarque’s funeral?

Sarah:  He was trying to calm things down, not stir them up. Wrong revolution.

Heather:  Oh. But it’s men in tight pants, fighting gloriously for freedom! 

Sarah:  Like _that_ hasn't been done before... what is it with you and men in tight pants?

Heather: Kudos? Hey, it could be a Time-Traveling Revolution AU!

Sarah:  Time-traveling freedom fighters?

Heather:  With feels. And tight pants. Haven't we already had time-traveling saxophone haters?

Sarah:  Yes. And fic about Oxford commas and a drunk-texting octopus, which were popular DESPITE a lack of tight pants.  


Heather:  Hmm. If it's a time-traveling revolution au, will so much else be happening that nobody cares about Lafayette and the amis?

Sarah: Like what? The amis traveling forward in time to buy the latest nukes... and tight pants?

Heather:  All right, all right. Enough about the pants. Yeah, this idea isn't going to work, either.  


Sarah:  Sounds like ODAO isn’t looking so bad now, eh?

Heather:  Well…

Sarah:  Or perhaps you were thinking of writing an inspirational Oglaf story where the lesbian pirates take vows of celibacy and found a convent? Four hours left, by the way.

Heather:  Next year, will you remind me not to do this?

Sarah:  Didn’t you say that last year? Didn’t you promise “no last-minute pinch hits” two months ago?

Heather:  Can we talk about that tomorrow? I still don’t know what to write. C’mon, you always manage to pull something out.

Sarah:  Okay, here’s a title: “Five times the Hulk got a standing ovation for dancing Swan Lake and the one time he didn’t.”

Heather:  Is he supposed to hulk out when he switches between swan and human?

Sarah:  I was thinking he hulks out when he doesn’t get applause, which would explain the standing ovations.

Heather:  But maybe he’s a good dancer.

Sarah:  He’s a SCIENTIST.

Heather:  He doesn’t have to be. Maybe he’s always been a dancer and got hulked some other way.

Sarah:  Too much Tchaikovsky?

Heather:  Okay, okay! He’s a scientist, but he’s been taking dance lessons to calm his inner hulk. And he’s working undercover at the ballet.

Sarah:  To find what? People who don’t wash their tights?

Heather:  Not helping! He's looking for Natasha, obviously.

Sarah:  I’m sure he’ll find her while dancing the role of the swan.

Heather:  She does seem like the Siegfried type.

Sarah:  Ooh, role reversal!

Heather:  Can we steer clear of the porn for once? I don’t think that would work for a recip who doesn’t want “icky icky sexuals”.

Sarah:  My Little Pony surprise incest?

Heather:  Are we sure this isn’t somebody’s sock trolling us?

Sarah:  Good point. Change of plan. Let’s reverse-troll them!

Heather:  My name will be on this.

Sarah:  Anonymous collection.

Heather:  The mods will know.

Sarah:  And they’ll never ask you to do a last-minute pinch hit again.

Heather:  You’re a genius. How about "A Swan Gets Shot"?

Sarah:  I was thinking something a little more ambitious.

Heather:  “The Hulk has a special delivery for Angel Clare"?

Sarah:  Keep going...

Heather:  Do I WANT to know?

Sarah:  “Five times Donald Trump flashed a lot of cash while mentioning Alexander Hamilton or pirate nuns and the one time he made a rambling embarrassing comment about ponies, ballet, revolutions, and men with large hands.”

Heather:  That sounds… interesting. I'll give it a try. Can you beta in an hour or so?

Sarah:  I'm not sure; I need to google some gluten-free recipes and wash my raccoon apron. I wasn’t planning on opening the shop tomorrow, but I think a special customer may be coming by.

Heather:  You mean?

Sarah:  Yep. You’re the one with a T-shirt that has a red delicious apple with a big X over it?

Heather:  YES! Most people just think I hate New York. How'd you know that was me?

Sarah: How many customers do you think I have with an "I brake for critters" bumpersticker?

Heather:  A couple, maybe?

Sarah: With the words "Except Loki" handwritten underneath?

Heather: Okay, so I spend a lot of time on meme. Anyway, let's meet for lunch tomorrow! And next year, when I come in right after assignments are due to get some muffins I can't eat, tell me not to do this.

Sarah:  Maybe next year, you won’t have to come to the bakery to see me. Now get going on those pirate nuns!


End file.
